Sorry, my heart’s just not in it lately. I’m feeling worn down and not terribly optimistic.
There was a time when I looked at the hard times and saw them as transient bits and pieces that could be pushed into the cobwebs of my mind, because, well, they were transient.
Things change. Nothing is forever. There was sure to be something positive and uplifting just around the corner.
But the past couple of weeks my internal compass is spinning. I feel like I’m in the Bermuda Triangle of parenting. Or maybe the Twilight Zone. I’ve had this dizzy realization of how much things don’t change, but stay the same. Time after time after time I find myself slamming my head against the wall of yet another problem that I thought we had put behind us.
I’m feeling trapped, because the craziness continues day after day after day after day. Weeks of dedication to first this issue and then that one…all of it has blown up.
I’m not going to get into details. I don’t want to whine and I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my kids.
They are good kids.
But I’ve been having a hard time being a good mama. I’ve slipped into the trap of feeling sorry for myself and the temptation is to just curl up into a ball and give up.
They are worth so much more than that.
Instead of praying, wishing, begging for things to change, I need to pray for the grace to change my own self.
The truth it that I’m not in control and I never was. The truth is that expecting them to change isn’t the answer.
The truth is that parenting these special little people is challenging and always will be.
As hard as it is for me to be a good parent, I see how they struggle with the challenges that come with who they are. I would do anything to lessen that struggle. Anything.
But there’s no overnight (or even over-a-year) fix that that will cure their special needs, erase their learning issues, or reverse their temperaments.
That’s where I’m at right now.
Have you had to accept defeat in some area of your life?